PROLOGUE - MISS MIRANDA'S VANILLA CREAM PIE

PTSD: Pies That Spurred Disaster

My first pie fiasco took place in 1974. Miss Miranda’s junior high school home economics class was the scene. It played out like an episode of Mission Impossible. Miss Miranda’s mission, which she unwittingly chose to accept, was to subdue two dozen giggling teenage girls and mold them into mini Betty Crockers, a tall order for a young teacher short on experience.

She divided us into squads of four and assigned our first recipe: Cream Pie and Graham Cracker Crust

On typing paper Miss Miranda had handwritten the recipe and made copies on a mimeograph*. Being the sentimental hoarder that I am, I’ve held onto that 3-page stapled handout with its faded purple ink and food stains of yore.

As we studied the handout, Miss Miranda shrilled in an imperious Julia Child-esque timbre, “You must first master the basic recipe. It’s easy but make sure to not leave out any ingredientses." No, that is not a typo. Miss Miranda said "ingredients-es". She pluralized a plural. Perhaps that was an omen. If something so easy had multiple ingredients-es, then its easiness was already suspect.

My squad headed to our cooking station. Two girls tackled the thankfully simple graham cracker crust. Another classmate and I attempted the cream filling which consisted of sugar, flour, salt, milk, egg yolks, butter and vanilla extract, seemingly innocuous ingredients. Our end product? An unsightly coagulation of curdled chunks suspended in soupy filling and dotted with errant cracker crumbs. Our pie had self-destructed in five seconds. MISSION FAILED.

In my 2011 blog, I replicated Miss Miranda’s vanilla cream pie recipe in homage to that intrepid teacher. I experienced PTSD: Pie Tasted Somewhat Delicious. There was room for improvement. For 2024’s reprise of the pies, I’ll share a vamped up version. I’m hoping for a MISSION POSSIBLE!

But for now, and for kicks and giggles, here is Miss Miranda’s original vanilla cream pie recipe in all its retro glory. Check out how the graham crackers are to be crushed in wax paper. This recipe was created B.Z. - before Ziploc! And notice how butter is referred to as table fat. Can you imagine going to the movie theatre and requesting table fat on your popcorn?

Rest assured if you attempt this, you cannot possibly botch it like I did during the Failed Pie Mission of 1974. Can you almost hear Miss Miranda raising her voice above the din of chirping teenage girls? "Don't leave out any ingredients-es!"

*Those of you aged 40 or younger, I’ll spare you the google search: a mimeograph was a dinosaur of a precursor to the Xerox machine.

GRAHAM CRACKER CRUST:
12-14 graham crackers (to yield 1 1/2 cups of crumbs)
2 tablespoons sugar
1/3 cup butter

1. Place crackers on waxed paper. Crush to fine crumbs with rolling pin.
2. Soften table fat, add sugar to crumbs. Mix well.
3. Press mixture firmly into greased 9" pie pan with back of spoon. Bake at 400  degrees for 8-10 minutes.

VANILLA FILLING:
3/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 cups milk
3 egg yolks (slightly beaten)
2 tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

In saucepan, combine dry ingredients. Gradually stir in milk. Cook and stir over medium heat till bubbly. Cook and stir 2 minutes. Remove from heat and stir small amount of hot mix into egg yolks. Return to hot mix. Cook 2 minutes more, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Add butter and vanilla and blend well. Pour into baked pie shell and refrigerate.